The questions that people have asked me about sex are startling. I sometimes wonder if it’s because they’re actually interested in me, or if they’re just straight-up curious. As a 22-year-old single woman having lived in NYC and now in Los Angeles, I’ve met some pretty straight-forward men. At this point, I am comfortable enough to just say, “It’s none of your business, thank you very much.” BUT, at times I still feel the need to defend. I want people to know that women and men with spinal cord injuries can have sex, and that just because there is another “prop”--a wheelchair--sex is not impossible. In fact, the wheelchair has little to do with sex because usually it isn’t even part of the equation.
I feel like I’m usually traveling in the fast lane, physically, when it comes to relationships. I want to know if the other person is comfortable with me sexually before I open up emotionally. I want to see what they are like with me physically. It’s a huge part of what makes a relationship a “relationship” and not a friendship. I like to think about sex sometimes as going out to dinner. I could order what is safe, you know, the chicken breast and fingerling potatoes; HOWEVER, I could also order the special and not know how much I’m about to spend or really what I am getting into. I always think diving into the unknown is the best route, but maybe that’s just me, and how I like to dive into dinner or sex.
I was hurt in a car accident when I was two years old, so I don’t remember my body any other way than what it is now. My injury is c7-t2 incomplete. That incomplete part comes into play with my sex life because my body has really surprised me in certain instances. There have been moments when I didn’t think I was going to feel anything and then I DID! I think the best way to have a HOT sex life with someone on wheels and coming from someone ON WHEELS, is communication! I mean, I think this holds true with any relationship as well as your sex life, but specifically here. It’s taken a lot of trusting MYSELF to open up to someone about what feels good and what works for me. Like any woman’s body, those of us with spinal cord injuries have different G-spots and different things that turn us on.
MY ADVICE: The more in touch with your body YOU are, the better your sex life will be. What in the world do I mean by this? MASTERBATE LADIES! It’s important to know what you like and what works! The more comfortable you are with your needs, the better.
I have found that, of course, there are things I can’t feel, but the things I can feel are super intense and amazing! Like, for example, my neck. My neck is so sensitive, and I was always the girl in high school with hickies on my neck. It drove my Mom crazy, but it was because it felt so good! For me, I have found, the harder the better. I feel like I can feel more when it’s more intense. Sometimes I have to keep myself in check because I don’t want to hurt my body in any way, and we can get carried away at times!
THE QUESTIONS THAT GUYS ARE ALWAYS ASKING….. MY ANSWERS (Sorry for the sass):
#1. CAN YOU HAVE SEX?
“UH, YUP! And I love it!”
#2. WHAT CAN YOU FEEL “DOWN THERE”?
“A LOT! I can’t tell you. You will have to find out for yourself.”
#3. WHAT KINDS OF POSITIONS CAN YOU DO?
“I mean I’ve only experimented a little. The only one I’ve found to be difficult is when I’m on top.”
I think sex is a tough topic to talk about, no matter what the situation. With every disability, there are going to be questions and concerns about how your sex life might be altered. I think what I have been trying to say throughout all of this is just dive in. You never know what your body is capable of unless you try it and use it. It’s really scary to put yourself out there physically, and all of this makes you feel vulnerable, but it’s in these moments that we learn the most about ourselves and our partners. I must end this with a quote from “Sex and the City” because, as I am writing this article, I keep thinking of Carrie sitting in her window. And here she says, ”The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that's just fabulous.”