mobileROMANCE: Always in the friend category


mobileROMANCE columnist
Tiffiny Carlson


Hi Tiffiny,

I’m a 29 year old guy in a wheelchair, very independent and somewhat successful. I’d say I’m a good looking guy and think I come across relatively confident and talking to girls has never been a problem. I realized early after my accident that life was going to be significantly different when it came to women and relationships (I know, not rocket science…haha). It was not going to be nearly as easy as it once was, but I’ve been pretty determined to not let my chair be my excuse.

After trying and failing to pick up girls in a similar way to how I once had, I decided that a better way to approach it might be to rather befriend them rather than actively perusing them. Only problem is I now have a bunch of girl “friends” and no girlfriend, and it’s beginning to feel not too dissimilar from the relationships girls have with their gay guy friends! If I try to make a move and the feelings aren’t mutual, the friendship will never be the same.

My question is, what--if anything--would you do differently?

Sincerely,
Mr. Always Platonic
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Dear Mr. Always Platonic,

Sorry to hear your post-injury dating method isn’t working out! Whether you’re a woman or a guy with a disability, I think a lot of us can relate to your situation. It’s not easy trying to persuade the world we’re still a great catch despite our disability and I know a lot of us have tried your exact method. You’d think it’d work….it sounds like a great technique, “Become their friend first, then see where it goes,” even dating experts recommend trying this approach, but as your situation proves, sometimes being friends-first can backfire.

Here’s the deal: Becoming too close of friends with those of the opposite sex can asexualize you in the eyes of AB-friends (i.e. possible love interests) who may never known a person with a disability until you. If that happens, it can really throw a wrench in your plans. Once they put you in the friend/guy-but-not-sexual category, it’s really hard to backtrack. Are you talking to your female friends about your sex life and dating woes to at least clue them in that you’re still interested in sex and dating? If not, you should be.

Girls are transparent creatures. Unless you’re dealing with a very shy woman or an amazing actress, if any of your female friends like you, you would probably know by now. So if any of them haven’t flirted with you yet, assume the worst - they’re probably not interested (romantically). You just need to step-back and stop pursuing anyone in that group (hope you haven‘t fallen for any of them yet) and reconfigure your approach (again. I know!). But I promise you I’ll set you on the right track.

Instead, you’re going to need to a better “friendly” approach. You were right to a certain degree. Being a friend is more effective when trying to pick up women rather than the in-your-face “you’re hot” approach. Unfortunately, you took it too far into the “best friend” territory, killing your chances. Next time you meet a woman you‘re interested in, continue the friendly approach and don’t be annoyingly flirty, but remember to keep some mystery once you become friends and never allow yourself get too close (her female best-friends are for that!).

As a woman, we’re told a little mystery always helps in attracting men. This is more true than any of us realize - and it applies to the guys too! I know it’s not easy withholding a possible friendship from blooming, hoping something deeper may develop in its place, but if you’re serious about finding a woman who’s really into you and looks at you as she would any other man (100 all-male oh yeah!) then you’ll have to try your darndest to prevent the friendship from becoming too close.  Be there, but don’t be there for all the crises if you know what I mean.

Love will come. Be patient, and good luck!

Tiffiny

To submit your question to Tiffiny, email tiffiny@beautyability.com

5 comments:

  1. Call me or contact me by e-mail/face book etc. I'll give you the "inside" on picking-up the ladies. Not full proof, then again only taxes and death are, right? I have 29 years of horror stories I mean stories that'll help you with your "quest." I would elaborate here but there is lots of "estrogen" that may conflict with "testosterone" flavoring of my in-put :) for lack of a better word. You are not alone and I have fallen victim as well to only come out a better man.

    Danny Ruiz

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  2. I find it easier to pick up ladies in a chair than before my accident. The only thing is I don't close the deal, as in end up dating any of them. Perhaps thats my fault, who knows.

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  3. I simply stopped focusing on trying to approach everything as a possible relationship, but rather an opportunity to have a good time. When I went out to a club or bar, I'd have a few drinks, put on a big smile, and hung out with friends. As the night went on and I spotted a girl I liked, I would just keep looking to see if she was interested (i.e. eye contact or smiling). If it was a go, I approached her with confidence, grabbed her by the hand, looked in her eyes, and asked her to dance (I used to get my boogie on in two wheels). That worked about 80% of the time. After the dance, I would ask her name. I told her my name and then told her thank you for the dance, I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed her company. After that, I told her that I hoped she had a great rest of the night, and if she wanted to dance later, I'm sitting right over there (with a big flirting smile). She usually smiled and said ok. Normally, by the end of the night we danced again (if I wasn't already dancing with another girl) and exchanged phone numbers. Now, the tough part was always the next time you seen her without the courageous buzz. LOL

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  4. Oh, if you would like anymore advice, you can reach me at isaac.a.morales@gmail.com.

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  5. Dear Mr platonic,
    Have you actually tried seeking advice from the group of girlfriends. suggesting that your looking for a relationship? maybe try and find out from a girls point of view what it is that attracts them. after all its the one thing that many of us struggle with, no matter what happens in life. and thats what makes it interesting and worth it when you do find the right one for you. half the fun is in the chase! if its made too easy then whats the point. it has to be hard to know its worth fighting for when you do find it. hope this helped a little bit. if you would like some tips i could give you a few of my own. you can reach me at The_Darlin@hotmail.com

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